It's long time ago that I made the last worn in here, my blog. Almost four months, to be concrete. Becoming a mother is such a full new experience that doesn't leave space for so much else. To dress up becomes a practical task. You suddenly have no time to build up outfits. It is complicated to make clothing choices. There is the fact that I have gained weight, most of my clothes don't fit me well. There is the another fact: the clothes have to let me bring my breast out easily, pragmatically, plenty of times a day. I discovered then that my tops are not good for that task. I struggled a bit in the beginning. I didn't feel inspired, neither motivated, to dress up.
Nevertheless the other day I felt the need, the urge, to dress up. To be sophisticated. To use a bit of make up. Here you see the result: silk trousers (in my new size), this lovely top I inherited from my mother (my breasts barely fit inside), this kimono-like tunic...A celebration of good quality textiles. The outfit reminded me of some asiatic vibes so I made the photos in a corner of the park that makes me feel the same atmosphere.
It felt good to be elegant. Even if is just some kind of luxury, not for every day.
By the way, we are leaving tomorrow for a three weeks trip. To enjoy a really needed holidays. To enjoy a really needed time next to the sea. I didn't see the sea for a really long time and I miss it intensely.
Maybe I will make posts from there but I don't promise anything. Manfred, Fauna and me will be with the totality of my siblings and my mother. It will be a full time of joy for me.
PD: We went to the doctor and he conclude that Fauna is growing correctly. Despite she is slim and gains weight slowly, she has good reflects and energy enough (especially to cry loud).
Last Thursday, 9th of September, little Fauna approached the end of her fourth month of life. It was also the day when, four years ago, I met Manfred and we became lovers ipso facto. Now I don't know if I should talk about the endless love I feel for Fauna or the endless love I feel for Manfred.
The truth is that we are a cheesy group of sugary lovers, the three of us. We spend the weekend being intensely with each other. It was the best plan in our agenda. Manfred and I were so absorbed by our familiar intimacy that we didn't realize our anniversary. It doesn't matter because we celebrated life and love. The mornings were slow, the three of us over the bed: Fauna sleeping her morning nap between my arms while Manfred and I read books, one next to the another one. The afternoons were also slow: long walks trough the hot city. Ice cream and games over the grass at the park. My spirit full of joy. What a lifestyle I have!
So I wanted to comment a bit about the development of Fauna, because I mean to make some kind of diary.
Last Wednesday I went to the doctor with Fauna, to the routine checking. She is 60 cm long which correspond to the lowest percentile but it's right. She didn't achieve the 5 kilos yet, she is 200 grams under the weight. She is slow in her physical growth and, well, here is he topic!
The doctor told me to give her a bottle of formula every day and to come back on the following week. This situation opened a dilema in my thinking. Firstly it made me worry, of course. I was already observing that Fauna is tiny and slim, which make her look extremely cute (there is such a huge babies around.... you cannot imagine). In the other hand, I never felt she was missing something (I still don't). I can see her so awake, looking with attention to everything, especially lights and faces. Smiling, playing, laughing... and when she is annoyed, crying with such powerful energy. She is learning to control her hands, to pick objects and then introduce them to her mouth. I feel she is extremely capable in the little things she tries out. And it looks all really funny because she is tiny but full of face expressions. Secondly there was also this hurt of my proudness, thinking: how it cannot be enough what it comes out of my breast if we are designed for each other, mother and daughter.
Plus, I cannot avoid this ideas about doctors. They are not following so close the development of individual babies and they tend to generalize the way things should be, following preventive protocols. Because I know that the growth of any living form is not as linear as graphics show.
I had also feared that Fauna would like more the easiness of the bottle and eventually not be satisfied by my breast. I consulted with my midwife and finally decided to give her the bottle, but just 60ml a day (the bottle itself can hold 150ml). Also, I let her sleep attached to my nipple in the morning naps (I used to go away from the bed when she was deeply sleep). The fattiest milk is the last one that a baby drinks and, while sleeping, babies keep sucking time to time. It's my way to try to make her get heavier, and also is quite a pleasure to wait until she wakes up by herself. Because then she look up at me (with the nipple still in her mouth) and smile with joyful and calm eyes.
What finally happened is that Fauna didn't drink more than 40ml any of these days. Also, when the bottle was given to her in the evening, she drunk until she was full and then didn't want more liquid but searched my nipples for comfort, to finally fall sleep.
Let's see what happen on the next tomorrow at the doctor...
All and all, everything is fine and Fauna is getting funnier by moments. She has personality, character. The love I feel for her grows every time I look. Sometimes I feel I am going to explode of love. I remember now these first days next to her. I wasn't so attached or enthusiastic. I wanted her to grow older.
Now it's completely different, I want her to be like she is now forever...
PD: Manfred is the best father. Manfred is the best choice I ever made. Or, was he who choose me? Not sure...
Before I gave birth to Fauna I often thought about all the topics I was soon be able to talk in my blog. I was looking forward to experience so many things and give my personal view about it. To share motherhood in my raw style. There are plenty of things to analyze and/or criticize. For example, the common phenomenon of people who tell you how to take care about your baby. Or, when your baby is crying, the unavoidable feeling of guiltiness that invades you, even if you know that everything is alright. Or how to breastfeed in public giving a shit about the thousand of eyes that surround you. Or how beautiful is life when your baby sleeps and how horrible can be the minutes before, especially when the little one is too tired.
I still want to do so, to write long speeches about my personal motherhood experiences. But to be honest, I don't find time to sit in front on the computer. When I do find the quietness I don't feel like spending it on front of a screen. I live the moment more than ever, and the rest of the time I am tired.
Sometimes, when Fauna is in a good mood, I think about sitting on front of the computer with her on my lap. But then I realize that this is not the way I want to be a mother. When I am with her and she is awake and relaxed I want to use this moments to connect. I know that this is what matters in the end. I guess it's obvious, but sometimes in the daily routine one can forget about focus in the important things.
As a mother you spend the whole day with this baby. You have to feed it, you have to hold it. You have to shake it when it wants to sleep. It's so much effort that when the baby is relaxed and open to the world you suddenly are tired and distracted. You are unmotivated to interact with the little one, face to face, smile to smile.
In conclusion, I find the time to connect with Fauna but I don't find so much time to connect with my personal hobbies such as my blog, or well... having sex with my husband.
There is a hobby that still fit with my lifestyle. I got a really nice camera and I made photos all the time. I hope that you as a reader enjoy my blog with lots of visuals and few words. I think that is going to be that way for the next months.
The last two weeks I was even more busy living the life (and forgetting internet) because I received visitors. First my life-long-best-friend Maria was around here for one week. The same day she left, my oldest brother Felix arrived for another. They slept in my couch so it was all about being together. And I loved it. I miss them already. We had a great time even if the daily plan was just to walk around the neighborhood (and not so far). It's also really nice to have a second pair of hands for whatever activity.
A home, its decoration, has to be made slowly. There is no soul in a house that is perfectly filled up with furniture all at once. The authenticity is made piece by piece. Along the time one collects objects, realizing what fits here or there, making it personal. This means that the decoration of a house is never completely finished and one can never say: now it is perfect. So, I still have to do this and that to be totally satisfied with the look of our home. I still have visions to make realities. But I am already feeling cozy here and I want to share with you some bits and pieces.
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